Erectile Dysfunction and the Porn Connection

Are you desperate and in pain over your man’s porn viewing habits? You are not alone.

I want you to know first and foremost that his enjoyment of porn is not about you. If nothing else registers here, please let it be this. Your man’s porn viewing has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Unless he’s an addict, and this would be an entirely different situation than what I am discussing here, then your man’s porn viewing is simply a pastime or a habit.

This is also something that you will not resolve within yourself overnight. This is a process, and this part is about you, not him. If you find yourself deeply troubled over it, it’s an indication that you have some things to deal with that go deeper and beyond porn. You have some insecurities and maybe other issues that finding your man’s porn has brought to the fore. This is an opportunity for you to heal.

It will likely be a struggle, and there are many ways to ease the journey as you sort this out and work to shed old issues. Learning how to communicate with your man so he can hear you is a key piece, but most importantly you must find a way to heal your old wounds.

You may also have to come to accept, mostly, that porn will likely never go away, and that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I know the last part you probably don’t want to hear. I didn’t, and honestly I still go through spells albeit briefly now when I do wish porn would poof go away.

I’ve been in about as bad a place over porn as you can imagine. It triggered my deepest, darkest insecurities. It shook me to my core. I felt as though my entire world and all I believed was true had come crashing down around me. I was as low as can be, but still somehow I knew that my man was and is crazy in lust and love with me, and this confused me greatly.

I knew though and from the beginning that this was a tremendous opportunity to look at and release old habits and patterns, protections that no longer served me and in fact hindered me. These things I had accumulated and had pushed them away, ignored them, or didn’t even know they were there, walls, barriers which had been put in place from a young age.

There are numerous tools and modalities available to help with the process, many of which I tried. Some worked for me, and some did not. Try anything and everything that attracts you. Things that didn’t work for me may very well help you. I found meditation and journaling wonderfully helpful as a catharsis and as methods to work out emotions, ease the pain as more and more of my stuff emerged. Having a close friend on whom to unload is very useful. Finding like minded individuals via the internet is tremendous for not feeling so alone and also for support.

You need to keep the communication going with your man as you work on your healing. Confrontations or even a “can we talk?” will cause your man to run for the hills, but speaking about your feelings will not. Briefly, just tell him how you feel. That’s it. He may or may not respond. It doesn’t matter. This is about you. As an example, “I feel really nervous bringing this up, but it’s been bothering me, making me feel bad. I feel so insecure and just so not good enough when I think about you looking at pictures of other women. It just feels awful.”

That’s really all you need to say. Don’t expect anything, not resolution or even a reply. If you get one great, but don’t expect it. Keep talking about how you feel using those words exactly, “I feel…” You can also ask him for his help with this. Men so love to help.

No matter what your man tells you, that he will stop etc., he probably won’t, and believe me when I say you would much rather have it out in the open than hidden underground. This creates secrets between you two, and secrets are damaging.

You may never feel totally okay with porn, and that’s okay. You can come to a place where you are mostly okay with it, and you may even come to embrace it sometimes if this is what you want. You may not want this yet, but if you really love your man and he you, and this can have its place in your life with him as in not being a deal breaker, this is somewhere you may have to consider going. You will have to accept along the way that porn is not going away, not likely.

Men are just wired differently than women. Men are far more visual than we in that they are far more easily aroused by visuals, and they enjoy being aroused. Don’t you?

There is a big difference in how they respond to visuals though as compared with women.

When we women see someone who attracts us whether in a photo or on a computer, TV, or movie screen or in the flesh, we are far more prone to go off into fantasies about this person. We very quickly create an emotional connection which can include all our senses in our imaginations.

Men on the other hand become briefly aroused, and that’s the end of it. He’s onto the next thing, a news article, business at hand, sports. The object of arousal is forgotten already.

We can linger with our memory of this person we saw briefly for hours, days, months even.

This is not so for men. Now I used the word object on purpose. If a man loves and is in love with a woman, someone to whom he is devoted, body, mind, heart, and soul, other women are simply that, objects of arousal. When he sees or thinks about his woman on the other hand, she is his figure of desire, a real life, three-dimensional woman, a figure he adores.

This will sound strange, but other women are good for us. Other women keep our man’s juices flowing for us. They get quick buzzes of arousal, drops of hormones building throughout the day or a couple of days to bring to us, and thus they come to us with far greater desire. Other women fuel the fires of their passion for us. They do not want those other women. They want us.

Porn is a funny thing. Men are not so much programmed socially to look at porn though that can certainly play a role, as men are hard-wired to look at women. It’s the biological spreading of the seed far and wide thing. In eras past men would act on this all the time, far more than now, for the most part. Nowadays men look at nudie pictures or video clips or movies. It doesn’t mean anything.

And it isn’t a boys will be boys thing. I hate hearing that. That’s a lame excuse for bad behavior, strip clubs as an example though some women see those as an extension of porn and not a threat, but for me this is too real and not okay. Men simply love to look at women. It makes them feel good, but again there is no emotional context, connection, not even likely in their fantasies.

Of course your man wouldn’t have a problem with you looking at pictures of naked men and not because you probably wouldn’t be into it, and he knows it. It’s because his looking to him is no big deal, so in his mind your looking would also be no big deal. Now if you put pictures of you out there which to me is more the equivalent of a man’s porn viewing habit, then that would be a big deal. Double standards indeed, but some things for the most part cannot be changed and just have to be accepted.

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